Avoiding Viruses 101 (Austin)

There are some things I hate in life. Fixing your computers is one of them.

Don’t get me wrong, I know enough about software to help you guys out and I don’t mind doing it. I grew up with my dad, who was programming way back when you had to use punchcards. Plus, my beloved boyfriend of two and a half years is such a computer science guy that sometimes I think he’s actually a cyborg. Combine that with my own mastery of the basics in programming and computer science – I’m fluent in Java, HTML, and CSS for those of you who don’t know – and I can get around pretty well. Sometimes I have to consult the experts when you guys throw me a problem I’m a little iffy on, but usually it all works out in the end.

What I hate is having to deal with perfectly preventable problems. To that end, I have compiled this quick list of things all RMI authors should do in order to prevent them from completely wrecking their computers as they skip merrily around the Internet. It can also save you hundreds of dollars in computer repair, massive headaches, and the loss of your entire virtual life. Or for some of us, virtually our entire lives.

That’s right. If you don’t follow these suggestions, you could lose everything you ever put on your computer. Baby pictures. The multi-page essay you were working on before your computer crashed. Posts. Character pictures. Any saved videogames you have. Everything. Ever. And you might not be able to get it back.

Listening yet? Good. Here’s what you should do.

1. Step away from Internet Explorer.
Internet Explorer is the browser most commonly used to surf the ‘net. Do you know what that means? If you’re an evil hacker sitting alone in your mother’s basement and planning to make small childrens’ lives miserable, you are going to design a virus that targets Internet Explorer and you’re probably going to use those fun, singing pop-up ads to do it. Since I’m assuming you don’t want this hacker to destroy your computer and make your life stressful, you should download Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox. Yes, both of them. And then you should expunge Internet Explorer from your system. Don’t just delete the shortcut on your browser, right-click on it and click ‘uninstall’.

Download Google Chrome here. Download Mozilla Firefox here.

2. Ix-nay on the Ads
If you like to watch cute singing kittens, go to YouTube. If you actually believe that “hot Russian singles” want you, you are very sadly mistaken. And if you think these ads are doing anything good for your computer, I have a bridge I want to sell you. I know ads help pay for free sites to run and blah-di-blah, but until I can trust that my computer isn’t being invaded by hordes of Sith Lord Cyber Worms thanks to that ad with the singing kittens, I really don’t care. If the owners of the free site have any sort of discretion (pro tip: the free site hosting our boards doesn’t) they’ll monitor the content of the ads that go up. And until then, you need to install AdBlock on the Chrome and Firefox browsers that you just downloaded and are using to view the rest of this post. AdBlock is pretty straightforward. It blocks ads, which means that it doesn’t even give the rampaging Sith Lord Cyber Worms the opportunity to know your computer exists.

Download AdBlock for Chrome here. Download AdBlock for Firefox here.

3. Realise your Anti-Virus sucks
I’m making the assumption here that all of you are smart enough to have an Anti-Virus software installed and functioning on your computer because you are using the internet. If not, please take a moment to bask in shame. For reference on how best to do this, watch this tutorial.

Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s take a quick look at the top three universally acclaimed worst free anti-virus softwares out there right now: AVG, McAfee, and Norton Anti-Virus. As it happens, they’re also some of the most common anti-virus softwares. Did you know that McAfee and Norton can’t effectively remove most viruses from your computer? They can only tell you that you have one. And did you know that AVG can’t even manage that sometimes? Scary thought, right?

The best thing to do to save yourself from the trauma of computer death-by-virus in this case is twofold. Firstly, you must click the link we will provide you in a moment. Secondly, you must go to the anti-virus that was installed on your computer and uninstall it. Don’t just delete the shortcut; you must right-click and uninstall it. As Julia put it recently, “you can't have two anti-viruses on your computer at the same time. It's like computer AIDS. They spend all their time thinking the other one is a virus and ignore the real viruses.” Okay good. Now download Avast, the RMI Anti-Virus of choice.

I know some of you may complain that it takes too long to download or that your computer is too old to handle Avast, but please take a moment to think about how much it will suck when (and I do say when) you get a virus that renders your system completely unusable for days. Or weeks. Or ever. And trust me, your computer isn’t too old – when the harddrive on my HP Pavilion fried in February of 2011, I reverted to using my original laptop until I got a new one. My original laptop is a Gateway that was purchased in 1995. It needs a special attachment to even connect to the internet. No excuses.

Download Avast here and make your life infinitely better.

4. Use your new Anti-Virus
It doesn’t work if it’s not turned on. Make sure that you schedule a scan to run each day. You should also adjust your settings so that Avast scans all downloads automatically.

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That’s all for now, folks! I’ve remained virus-free for six years over four computers by following these basic rules, and you can too. If you run into other problems I’ll be glad to help…but only if you’ve already followed these directions!